Liminal and Limitless

Three weeks in a hotel living out of a suitcase would be frustrating for any person. Wouldn’t you agree? It is especially frustrating to a person who quit a job she loved, moved back home, was on bed rest for weeks due to surgery, and then circumvented the globe in order to start work as a teacher, only to be stuck in meetings day in and day out for the better part of the month of January. 

I am emotionally and mentally exhausted and I have not even started the real work of being an English Teaching Assistant yet. *sigh* 

I hate to complain about how hard these past weeks have been. (Because in a lot of ways it has felt like I have been getting paid to mostly just have a vacation in a beautiful country for a few weeks.) It has been quite taxing to come all the way to the other side of the world and not yet be able to do any tangible work that I came all this way to do. Orientation in Kuala Lumpur was amazing; I formed some great friendships (with both locals and Americans), began to get to know the city, and had important sessions and discussions about the work I am about to do in the community that I am about to be living in for the next nine(ish) months. But by the time that were we finally scheduled to go into our states for in-state orientation I was already chomping at the bit to get to my school and into my own house. Now I am at least physically in Perlis, however have to wait until next week to really get started in my school though I get to move into my house this Tuesday!  *cue celebratory music*  

The reason for the extreme delay from my arrival in Perlis to my first real day of work is a combination of state orientation programming and Chinese New Year. (Fun fact: Malaysia recognizes more holidays than any other country in the world! Just one of the many perks of having a an ethnically and religiously diverse population.) Because the Chinese New Year is next week, every school in Malaysia gets about a week off of school which means I will have one day of work in my school before I have the first of many holiday breaks! My fellow Perlis ETAs and I plan to travel to Penang, another state in Malaysia, because Penang has a large Chinese population and is a great destination to really celebrate the New Year. I am excited because I have never celebrated Chinese New Year before and I know it will be a great experience (at least that is what every Malaysian person I talk to tells me) but I am frustrated because this break will only delay my ability to actually feel like i am doing something.  

While I am sure that, in the future, during a hectic moment I will completely regret how little I have appreciated the lack of responsibility I currently possess, I cannot help but have extreme anxiety about the liminal space I have been occupying for the past few months: right between doing absolutely nothing and experiencing absolutely everything. While it is not as bad a living at home with no job and basically no schedule everyday (I do have meetings with my mentor, planning sessions with my state, and briefings and different presentations from educators and other officials) the fact that I have not had any real autonomy to do anything myself or create a schedule where I actually accomplish a difficult work-related task is starting to weigh on me in a way that I have never felt before. In some ways I know that this anxiety that I am not doing enough just comes with the territory of being a recent college graduate who has no set in stone long term goals. But in other ways it is difficult to really articulate since rationally I know I am doing a lot (like moving to a completely different country, completing orientation, planning my schedule and responsibilities for the year, building relationships etc.) But the anxiety I am feeling is not coming from a completely rational place and so it is pretty difficult to articulate. But the great thing about this program is that there are other people in the exact same spot as I am who totally understand where I am coming from. Talking to other ETAs, many express the same feelings of longing to get started in the work we came here to do and anxiety about wanting to reclaim the control over their life, schedule, and diet. 

Basically I am just ready to start my life here, I am sick of living in a hotel, and I want to meet my students, make friends, and cook a meal for myself. Until I do those things it won’t quite feel like I have done anything at all. Until I do those things I will continue to wonder if this was worth all the fuss (even though I know deep down it totally is). This liminal space is driving me crazy and if it wasn’t for the other ETA’s around me to commiserate I might actually be crushed under the weight of the emotional knot that these past few months of hurry-up-and-wait has created in me. 

Even though the uncertainty and continued ambiguity of what my day to day life will actually look like is the massive elephant in the back of my mind at all times, I cannot help but be in complete awe of this country. The people, food, landscape, and diverse cultures commingle in a wild dance unlike anything I have ever experienced in the US. If the United States is a melting pot—all it’s cultures blending, bleeding, and fusing into one; then Malaysia is a massive feast—every culture’s complex flavors boasting their own greatness sliding right up to one another one yet all existing on the same table in an intricate and delicate balance. Malaysia is overwhelming in the best sense of the word and I am so lucky I get to explore this country for as long as I do.  

When I begin to get too wrapped up the logistics of my future I try to take a step back, take a look around, and remember that a liminal space is a threshold between a comfort zone and endless possibility, and that is an amazing spot to be in.